Photo by Shoeib Abolhassani on Unsplash
This morning I woke up with a question -
why am I waking up?
Why am I doing the things I'm doing?
I have a todo list but i'm just staring at it.
My fellow CEO IVF Goddess Fifi, asked me if I questioning my purpose?
I don't think so - I have my WHY which is “to be of service” but I'm "WHYing" my todo list today.
I've literally spent the last hour, on the toilet, writing a post on Instagram stories but I gave it up because it was too long, and it would be better off as a carousel post. And then got stuck in the "I'm unworthy" hamster wheel in my head as I looked at a website of someone whom I admire and wished I could write like her, and be like her.
My next thought was to just go through the motion, tick things off, which should be enough. And then I remembered that I haven't done my blog post for this week, which was on yesterday's todo list.
Should I skip it?
I went back to my WHY again, and I got reminded of my morning mantra - I can choose to be kinder to myself. With that in mind, for inspiration I searched KINDNESS in my Evernote - and a 2020 unedited draft popped up with the title -
STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF.
Boom!
I think "the unworthiness" and the "I'm not good enough" tape is playing pretty loud in my subsconcious mind! I hear it, and subconsciously, I'm ignoring it, but maybe it's time to talk to my fears and make friends with it.
This is actually part of a process that I do in reframing my mindset - step 4 or 5.🙂
This step requires me to be curious and do check in with my belief system for the whole day - something I'm dreading as I'm writing this.
It means changing the words from"this negative thought is so annoying and disrupting my day" to
“Hey sayang! What do you need right now?"
(Sayang means love in Malay).
This all ties in with my Word for 2024 - mothering - mothering my inner self, my inner child.
At this moment, what comes up is that my inner child, who's feeling unworthy, she needs to journal.
So how are you feeling today?
(BTW “I’m Ok” is not a feeling.🙂)
Are you stuck in limbo or feeling overwhelmed? Are you procrastinating or Not being productive? Or are you overly busy? Have you been sleeping too much or playing games on your phone too much, reading too much, or binge watching Netflix?
If yes, do you know the recurring story you tell yourself?
(Even if you’re feeling good - you can do this exercise too- just think of a scenario when you were last triggered)
I know what mine says on repeat - What I am is not enough, not worthy enough, not thin enough, not women enough, not "wifely' enough, not smart enough; not good enough to be a mother.
What I’m doing is not enough - not enough teaching, not enough goodness, kindness, not enough writing, not enough attention to others, not enough cleaning (my house), not enough supplements...
I don't purposely say them, but I know they are there.
So are you aware of what you say to yourself?
Part of my "reframing my mindset" process is to repeat affirmations that resonates with my body and my heart, which does help me feel the opposite of what I’m feeling.
Affirmations work for a awhile, and you’ll feel the subtle shifts and we feel good for a moment, and then we go right back to muscle memory to our old stories and right back to the fear! This is the cycle of our belief system, and cycle of life. We learn to embrace the highs and lows , the joy and sadness, the anger and the calm before the storm.
We can’t feel good every single moment.
But what if, in that particular moment, we can choose to work on our inner self. We can pause and breathe, and be kind and compassionate with our critical inner self. Talk to her like you are talking to your future child:
“Hey what's up my love? You are not feeling good enough? Tell me what you need right now?"
The answer can surprise you! It doesn’t have a big thing, or does it need to be something yoga like. It can be something mundane that gets out of the spiraling rabbit hole of anxious thinking and helps you feel safe.
Make friends with your Inner child
And I was going to skip my weekly blog-writing this week - but I’m going to publish this journal entry instead, as is. My inner child made me do it hah, but writing this has been therapeutic and is healing my inner child.
If this is helpful to you, and you want to see more content like this - let me know on email, drop me a DM on Instagram.
And if there is one thing you can take away from this post is STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF.
Love you!!
xo
