[Scroll down to skip the intro] This is an edited journal entry from August 2020, which transpired after listening to a fertility affirmation meditation.
If I remember correctly, that year we were contemplating KL for the 2nd chapter of our IVF journey and COVID HAPPENED, so that threw us off.
Around the same time, I was doing classes with my teacher Paige, and what she said resonated with what was going on in my life, and I wrote to her. And this was her reply:
Sophie, thanks for sharing. Sometimes you just need to get it all out and read it and your inner teacher actually knows how to be and what to do. Keep choosing the beliefs that empower what you want to have happen, act with full purpose and let go!
So 3 years later, I was re-reading that journal entry and thought wow it did not make sense and somewhat it did. Hah. I did re-arrange and edit it as it was all jumbled up.
I’m sharing it today as as I think there is a lesson in it for me for right now, and for all of us.
Photo by Nagara Oyodo on Unsplash
I am fertile
My body is fertile
I am fertile.
I don’t know anyone who will declare it out loud, even if they are fertile!
(Would you declare “I’m fertile”?)
Why am I freaking triggered?
Why am I triggered by the word “fertile”?
It’s just a word.
But I don’t like that word.
Isn’t there any other better word to describe my ability or inability to conceive?
Okay, I’m triggered because I’m not fertile.
Secret’s out!
I can’t get pregnant! How can I be fertile?
But it’s just a word, right?
I know saying it doesn’t make it the truth but I want it to be the truth. I want to be fertile.
Can I be fertile if I am not fertile?
I'm definitely DOING the things to make me fertile. I've been eating supplements, doing TCM and herbs and listening to these blardy affirmations in the hopes that it brings my mind and body to a better state (than before) to create a healthy environment for a baby.
I guess I feel like an imposter if I were to say I'm fertile. There’s a tiniest part of me that thinks that even I do all these things - it doesn’t make me any more fertile. Though I know anything is possible if there is hope and faith, and yet I have a sense of dread in my heart; a "knowing" that it won’t be successful; that I’m truly broken. And that scares me; that my inner knowing might be true.
Then again this is just a practice of acceptance; acceptance that I can’t turn back the clock.
And yet I’ve never had to contemplate my fertile-ness until now.
I do believe I’m worthy for motherhood. My body is capable of healing. Why is it hard to believe that I am fertile?
And I’m not fertile, does it make my thought a belief or the truth?
Paige earlier said that a belief becomes a truth when you stop trying to find evidence against it. If your belief is the truth, then it sets a limit on your way of being. How can you make things happen or be positive or be open to possibilities or be okay with the uncertainties of the future, if you’re stuck with this belief, since it’s not the truth?
And my way of being is of courage and love.
Eek Am I limiting myself my authentic self by saying I am not fertile? I dont want to be stuck with this belief because if I give it time in my head and don’t do anything about it, it will become my truth.
I can’t go through IVF again, or life with this belief. I need to find my new truth that is aligned with my way of being.
I'm working on connection...if I'm rooted in my truth, I'll be connected.
But how to find my new truth, if there is a disconnect in my connection. I'm doing things for the sake of doing...
Aargh…
Paige also said that the story of the Bhagavad Gita - is to let go of the fruit of my actions - to act without attachment to the results but do it because it’s the right thing to do.
So moral of the story is to keep doing what I’m doing and surrender the outcome?
Yes.
To keep the changing the words to myself, so I can plant new seeds in my thoughts?
Yes.
I want to trust the path I’m on.
I can do this,
I can choose to accept that I are fertile.
It's always a choice.
In acceptance, I am creating space for forgiveness.
When I forgive, I empower myself to believe in miracles.
I am fertile.
My body is fertile.
I am fertile.
I am. I believe that as long as I have my menses, as long as my ovaries are producing eggs, I am fertile. I am an amazing, beautiful and fertile woman. I have the ability to conceive a beautiful, healthy baby.
well anyways.. that's it for today.
Your Journal Prompts:
1) What is your limiting belief when it comes to your fertility? ie What is a negative thought that you keep repeating to yourself?
2) What comes up for you when you read this?
