In one of my mindless scrolls on Facebook, I came upon this Canadian Got Talent 2023 dance audition.
Usually I'd skip the interview to the actual dance but then I heard the magic word - FERTILITY and I double-clicked back to hear the story behind the choreography.
They were dancing for their dance coach, who had been struggling with infertility for 8-9 years.
Oh man! I wasn’t disappointed. It was an outstanding and mesmerising performance. I was hooked and totally teared up towards the end. Then I had to google, and found that they did have their miracle baby.
And guess what music did they danced to?
The coach baby's ultrasound, for the 3 whole mins!
What a clever idea and such a beautiful and moving choreography! I love the girls' story that they were there throughout their fertility journey, which amplified the entire performance to the next (emotional) level .
Then something came up for me.
Firstly, those who know me, knows I love to dance, which is why I guess my FB and IG algorithm tends to show me dance videos. I enjoy watching them, and I realised that there’s always this little voice in my head that says
“I wish that I could dance like them.”
And then with this video, hearing the story behind this dance, the same little voice popped up with:
“I wish I had a happy-ever-after-story too.
And I was suddenly reminded of a group coaching exercise I did during a Baptiste Yoga Level 3 Teacher Training back in 2019.
Click here to read more about my experience.
Our yoga teacher, Baron Baptiste made us draw a box on a piece of paper and within this Box, we wrote all the complaints we had about a relationship that we were stuck in a rut with, or whom we had complaints about. whether we say it out loud or in our head.
What I got out of it is that the Box represented my own self-deprecating imaginary space, where it wasn't really of the other person but it was internal complaints of myself.
I remembered putting my mum in the Box. And she was in the Box, not because she is a bad person or bad mum, but because I wanted a better relationship with her. There were definitely a lot of unresolved issues, because of things I wanted to say to her, but I couldn't. I assumed and expected that she would love me unconditionally, but she didn’t. And I realised that through my “complaints”, I was judging her. And in judging her I was judging myself. I kept thinking she won’t change, which is true. But I can change. Can I change without wanting to change her? The good news is it’s a big yes! And we are in a better place now, not perfect but I’m enjoying a much healthier interaction with her.
Coming back to right now moment, it's me against a bigger community of people that had no idea I had these thoughts. I was thinking - should I do this exercise then to get rid of bad jujus?
Baron did say that the person or persons in the Box had to bring up a certain visceral feeling within me. And at the moment, my thoughts are fleeting and I’m not attached to them - which is good news!
I’m sharing my experience because I know I’m not the only one with hopes, regrets, dreams and “what ifs”.
And then our negative thoughts and limiting beliefs takes us out of alignment, and make us feel sad, angry, in despair..
My limiting beliefs of “I’m not enough” manifested itself as these silent wishes/complaints. And I now recognise and accept them as the inner child parts of me that is still healing. Whenever I wished for something (different), I’m really judging my younger self.
And when I asked myself what that younger part of me really needs in this moment - I’d say forgiveness and surrender.
To heal, I have to surrender more. To stand up against this unkind thoughts of myself, I have to commit to accept, forgive and keep on surrendering more, with the internal knowing that I am enough as I am.
So this audition - will be enshrined in sophiexsanders.com blog archives because it really moved me, moved me to write this post, forced me to examine and be in inquiry of my higher self.
I also hope that it inspires to remember that there’s beauty in everything. You have the power to write your own story, and happy ending with and without a baby. not allow your thoughts to bring you out.
This is infertility expressed in the most beautiful (my fav) art form.
Here you go and you’re so welcome!
Sophie x
What is the silent wish you have in your head at the moment, that you need to forgive yourself for? Share in the comments below
