This week’s post is very private and dear to me - it’s a glimpse into my secret IVF life.

I don’t think it’s so much of a secret in that I don’t talk about it but I do and at the same time, but I don’t, really talk about it.

I’m sure you understand - it is personal. Yep, it’s none of your business and I acknowledge that the real reason why I don’t talk about it, is because I was afraid. I was afraid of what people might say, of their judgement. There is a feeling of shame of failing as a woman, and sadness in being broken.

No one talks about IVF, at all. It’s one of those things that is taboo, I’d say in Singapore, or it could be an Asian thing - lumped together with mental illnesses - If you don’t see it – you sweep it under the rug.

Why I’m sharing now is because I want to stop hiding. There's something within me that is waiting to be created. There’s an innate desire to serve and give back to the community.

Living Life Purposefully

Some of you know that I’ve been searching for my service project, a community to serve and I realise that I want to do more than donating, volunteering or teaching free classes to those in need.

I choose the IVF community, or rather it chose me in a way, because I’m already in it.

To be honest, my monkey mind rejected the idea initially; there was a freaking lot of resistance, doubt and fears.

I’m not sure if I can. How can I bring this work to others when I’m working on healing myself? Who am I? What can I do? I don’t have the expertise, nor the knowledge. And really how can I help to heal others when I myself is trying to heal?

If not me, who?

Allie Nunzi, my Social Impact Training facilitator, said this to me: “Sophie, every one is working on healing forever and ever - there’s no point that we will arrive. We are healing….. every single day. “

That is the TRUTH. No one ever stops healing. There’s always something we are recovering from. There is always something or someone we need to overcome, to cope with or to manage. There is always fear. There is always going to be resistance and challenges. There is always something that we are going through.

“Every one is working on healing forever and ever - there’s no point that we will arrive. ”

— Allie Nunzi

I know my experiences will help others and what I’m going to potentially create is going to be impactful. The truth is whatever I’m up to will help me heal along the way.

First, I have to get grounded, be clearing for who I want to be for others, and be in action for what I want to make happen.

I’ll start first with a blog post.

In fact today’s story is just the beginning of something big. I’m not sure what it looks like yet, but I've a tingling feeling that starts from the tip of my toes, like the feeling of standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon.

P.S. I won’t be documenting my day-to-day progress or my roller coaster emotions here or on social media. There must be a balance between what is made public and what needs to be private. Plus I don’t have the time.

All you need to know is that I’m Ok. And if I’m not Ok, I will be be Ok.

My request for you is just be in listening and that’s it. Simple as that.

Here goes………

Our IVF Story

Hi! My name is Sophie and I’m an awesome human being. My husband and I have been going through IVF for the last 2 years.

Within that 2 years -

We got married (In Singapore, we need to be married in order to be eligible for IVF)
We did 4 cycles of IVF** (which is the egg retrieval stage)
We moved out of our Novena apartment and lived out of our luggage for 3 months with the end goal of moving back to the UK
I had a operation to remove my tubes
T found a job in Singapore (thank god)
And we started afresh in Robertson Quay;
4 cycles of FETs** later…….. yep that’s where we are right now.

We’re not your typical IVF recipient

For me, it’s more practical (truthfully I was lazy) - I'm old, and I didn’t want to waste time humping my husband. (sorry babe! : ) So we didn’t bother to try naturally.

The irony is I didn’t expect the IVF process to take that long - I thought wham bam - collect eggs, hubby masturbate into a cup - eggs get fertilised in a petri dish - put fertilised egg back in me and boom - WE MAKE BABY!

Instead it has been a lengthy and emotional 2 years of tears, anger, disappointment, fear, uncertainties, sadness, devastation, happiness, clarity, excitement, guilt, shame, numbness and not to mention the physical change of putting on 8 kg (and counting), being perpetually bloated and people asking if you’re pregnant and you’re not (and wishing you are, then it won’t feel so bad.), feeling awkward in a roomful of pregnant women (as I suddenly realised belatedly one morning after a class, that the next class is prenatal.)

Recently my husband said to me - “This must be hard for you.”, and when I stop to think about it, I realised that at that very moment, it didn't feel hard at all. I'm weirdly enjoying the process, which means I’ve come a long way since I’ve started the IVF process, and it’s all thanks to Baptiste Yoga.

That being said, that’s the other reason why I’m writing about my IVF journey.

why baptiste yoga

I want to share how the Baptiste Yoga methodology has changed the way I respond and interact with myself and others. Baptiste Yoga taught me about resilliency. That I’m whole and complete, with nothing to fix. I’m not broken. I’m loved. That it’s ok to be sad. And to acknowledge my sadness.

One of the practices of Baptiste Yoga is self-inquiry or self-reflection, and what has helped me gain clarity is having a journal and having conversations in what’s coming up for me instead of not talking about the elephant in the room.

Everyday (almost) in my journal, I write this:

WHAT I WANT TO MAKE HAPPEN IS:

To stop hiding and share my story on my blog - CHECK
To be of service to IVF community - WIP
To create a workshop for IVF Warriors to give them tools of self-healing and self-care using the Baptiste yoga methodology.
To create a safe space for the sharing of IVF stories, difficult conversations and human to human connection
To start an IVF mentorship program

Every day the list grows and the one thing that has remained a staple on my pages since I first started the journal was

WHAT I WANT TO MAKE HAPPEN IS …………… A BABY

Funnily, until about a couple of weeks ago, I’ve never said that out loud, nor have I written it down.

It’s in my unconscious mind, that’s why I’m doing IVF right? But I’ve never articulated my wants.

Let me declare this again -

What I want to make happen is a baby and I will 100% be for what I want to make happen and drop my fears and whatever comes up next. I have the courage and resiliency in being a stand for what I want my life to be for, which is to empower others to life their lives with courage and loving kindness.

That’s it for now.

XOX

(Please share the post if you like it and leave comments below.)

**What you need to know about IVF:

I could write a long and boring document about IVF, the process and etc and that’s NOT what I’m up to at this moment. Fortunately for us, there are so many resources out there.

I’ve put links below for the essential resources.

What We Want To Make Happen is ............... a BABY (Our IVF Story)