Photo by Austin Neill on Unsplash
How many of you are just winging your IVF journey? Hoping for the best, handling things as they come up? Just looking straight ahead, blinders on?
Or did you meticulously plan what to do, what to eat? You read tons of books and research?
Guess which team I fell into?
Both! :)
In the beginning, I was trudging through each appointments, just doing what the doctor asked me to do. I did a little reading, but left the technical stuff for my husband to digest and for the rest - for the doctor to explain.
I DID NOT READ THE BOOK “IT STARTS WITH THE EGG” GASP
All I could think of was that IVF helped a lot of women get pregnant and I wanted to get pregnant quick.
I was trying my best to be positive. I had a superstition or pantang in Malay that “if I don’t read about the bad stuff, it won’t happen to me.” At the same time, I was trying not to count my eggs (no pun intended) and to stay present and not to worry!
And then of course, I veered to the other end of the spectrum - I started controlling everything I could control from what I eat (to the point of being stressed of not knowing what to eat); setting alarms for my supplements (and adding supplements everything something new pops up), reading till wee hours of the night (and won’t read without my blue light glasses). looked at the ingredient list of every toiletries and household products and many more.
My week was packed with appointments - acupuncture, doctor, sengkak (traditional indonesian massage), feet soak, red light therapy, yoga, walks……..
And at the same time, I was trying to let s*** go!
It came to a point where on the outside, I pretended to be okay then cue: sleepless nights, pre-appointment anxiety (even waiting for a car) , my infertility diagnosis was the 1st thing on my mind when I wake up and before I sleep.
What I didn’t know then was that what I really needed was inner peace.
It took a lot of yoga aka inquiry, meditation, getting into stillness, slowing down, journaling and a couple of implantation failures - to gradually come to that point.
In my inner work of manifesting abundance and surrendering - I realised that sweeping things under the rug wasn’t helping with my peace of mind, neither was the “busyness”. The former was masking what was really going on, and the latter was feeding into my anxiety.
And me “trying” to let s*** go and "“trying” to be positive-- just the "trying" means I'm trying to control; there is effort, when what I needed was ease.
And to have this ease, whenever I thought I was letting go of my fears, worries, of my desires, of the outcome, and especially if I was catastrophizing the worst case scenario, I needed to surrender even more.
I know there is a sense of relief, being in control of things that you can control like your lifestyle especially when things are uncertain and beyond your control, And if you are in either team at the moment - you are where you need to be at this moment.
I don’t have any regrets with the things I’ve done. I did what I did with what I knew then, and I chose to trust that that was enough, and that the path I was on, was the right one for that moment.
I didn’t know then I have an innate ability to plan and and still let go of control. In yoga, we call it “Sthira Sukham Asanam” - a balance between effort and ease. This term means: “every asana should be steady and comfy.” Where Sthira stands for effort, steadiness and strength, Sukha refers to ease and relaxation.
And with the tumultous IVF journey, it was alot of effortlessly efforting the ease and peace! :)
If you are a teacher, you will be familiar with this - Prepare your class plan and then be prepared to throw your plans out the window.
So how now brown cow?
Once I’ve figured out that inner peace was my end goal, everything I did came from a lens of love and peace. Before I did something, or before I making a decision - I will ask myself - “what is one small action I can take that will give me inner peace”? “how can I support my heart here?” “What will give me peace?”
I’m not saying the journey towards inner peace was easy. I struggled alot and along the way, I’ve grown alot too. I learnt alot about myself.
All of us here - have the same end goal of a baby, of desiring to be a mother or having a family of our dreams - but if you wish to thrive and not only survive your IVF journey, or if you wish to know how to move forward in your journey without worrying about the outcome, or if you are a multi-cycle IVF warrior like me…..
Trust me and shift your end goal and be a yes to finding inner peace.
“Life is a journey, not a destination.”