Photo by Fernando @cferdophotography on Unsplash
Is GENTLE a word you would describe yourself ?
If YES, tell me the ways you are gentle with yourself?
If NO, if anything is possible, how can you be gentle with yourself?
I wouldn’t describe myself as a GENTLE person.
And maybe it’s just a story I tell myself. I know I'm not gentle with my books because no matter how I tried, my books always ended up dog-eared. (Thank god for kindle!) I also find it difficult to sit like a lady. And I’ve been told many times that I walk (and dance) with my legs open.
And I’m not very graceful. There’s this idea in my head that one need to be graceful in order to be gentle. I remember back in secondary school, I was in the Malay dance team, and everyone's comments to me after the dance show, were "Why do you look so kekok ( awkward and stiff)?”
Thank god the negative comments didn’t stop my love of dance. But you’ll never catch me doing Malay dance ever again. :)
With these childhood conditioning of "I'm bad at being gentle" or in my child's mind that "I'm a bad girl"- it's not surprising that I didn't think I would be good at being gentle and so I never strived to be gentle, it wasn't in my vocabulary.
So yes, I can’t say that I’m gentle nor graceful. Yet the irony is that the one lesson I needed to learn during my IVF journey was to be gentle with myself.
I’m not gentle, but I can be gentle with myself.
Why does gentleness matter?
Gentleness matters because we are too hard on ourselves.
It matters if you are expecting perfection in a journey or world that requires us to accept uncertainties and to to give up control of what we think the future looks like.
It matters when you know you can’t control the future and make it what you want it to be.
It matters if you have limiting beliefs, and criticise yourselves harshly when things go wrong.
It matters if you experience feelings of judgement, shame, guilt, sadness, despair, loneliness, frustration.
It matters if you are constantly in the busyness of the “doing” and feel that you are burning out.
Gentleness matters for all the reasons above and many more, and if you are aware of the importance of self-care and overall emotional and mental well-being, add the word “gentle” into your day to day life. And see what comes up.
Gently does it
The idea of there’s a possibility that I can be gentle - crept up slowly for me.
It started with my physical practice, though I didn’t realise back then.
In my previous life, before my IVF journey, I taught and practised Baptiste Power Yoga, which is a style of yoga that I am deeply passionate about because it was reason why I fell in love with yoga in the first place. It transformed my life and my relationship with my loved ones and was the reason I became a yoga teacher.
I even scoffed at going for “Gentle Yoga” classes.
And because of my IVF journey, coupled with injuries, my otherwise dynamic, sweaty and not-gentle-at-all practice had to take a back seat.
I went back to yoga school and did 4 courses in fertility support and fertility yoga because I really needed to know how to keep my practice safe during IVF. I needed to know how I can be Okay if I don’t do my usual yoga, if I’m not sweating or working my muscles hard.
And so that's where I discovered a gentler way of moving that suits my body and that’s also when I discovered the shift of my mindset from the need to DO, DO, Do to “I deserve to rest.”
And to quote, Nicola Janes Hobbs, a psychologist - "Rest is anything that makes your nervous system feel safe enough for your stress response to switch off."
When you rest, you strengthen the nervous system that connect us to our rest and digest mode, or ie relaxation response.
So by resting, or doing activities that put your body in the relaxation response (parasympathetic system), you are being gentle with yourself.
Gentle Mind. Calm Heart.
I found an old journal entry in 2022, where I wrote down -
Gentle Mind. Calm Heart.
Gentle Mind. Calm Heart.
Gentle Mind. Calm Heart.
It so aligns with my goal, and my mission in life, which is to find peace and to be at peace with whatever I’m going through.
I’ve been working on being kinder to myself and that overtime, I believe that creates in gentleness in my mind. And I’m more calm than I have ever been.
It comes full cycle.
Whether gentleness is a requirement for peace in life, or not, (because I thought I was doing fine before) it matters if you going through something in your life, if you are struggling and especially if you are going through IVF.
So if you’ve read all the way here, and you are struggling with the concept with of being gentle, or you want to add gentleness in your life, or when you are feeling overwhelmed with the todos, the whatnots, the shouldhaves and the oughttos… repeat this in your heart, say it out loud, or write out in your journal -
I can be gentle with myself
I can be gentle with myself
I can be gentle with myself
Know that you don’t have to be gentle but you can be gentle with yourself.
You can choose to trust that you can be gentle with yourself.
Being Gentle is Part of MY Self Care Ritual
Being gentle was an important lesson I learnt during my IVF journey, which is so needed in all aspects of my life.
The boring reason is that it is a crucial aspect of self-care and overall well-being (ie reduce stress and anxiety, boost self-esteem etc).
And my experience showed me that if you are willing to add "gentleness" into your way of being, it becomes easier to treat yourself (and others) with love, kindness and understanding. You would be open to forgiveness and acceptance. And it allows you space to soften and surrender and to trust the universe.
When you surrender and give up things you can't control, feelings and thoughts that you don't need - you get to get to trust yourself more and you get to create your own life of joy, love and abundance!
Journaling Prompts:
How can I be Gentler and Kinder to my body, my mind and my spirit?
Think of something that you are struggling with doing, or you have doubts, or you can’t decide what to do - can you ask yourself: What can I do give me peace in my heart? How can I bring more gentleness and ease?
