Questions:
Have you experienced any implantation failures or transfers?
If yes, do you think about your embabies that didn’t survive?
Do you think you’ve suffered a pregnancy loss?
It’s a yes, yes, yes for me.
But is a failed implantation considered a pregnancy loss?
I recently did a quick a poll on Instagram and I’m glad to see that 63% felt that a failed implantation is a pregnancy loss.
For the 37% - I’m not saying they are wrong, Neither am I saying I’m right!
I just want everyone to to be kinder and be mindful of what the words you say because we don’t know what the other person is going through.
I do feel that a failed implantation is a pregnancy loss, let me explain.
Last year, I was involved in the “Fertility Support Singapore’s Pregnancy Loss Awareness campaign”. We had a friendly debate about what the definition of pregnancy loss and it made me aware of what is missing in our community is lack of empathy and support for women who had gone through multiple failed IVF cycles, and having their losses minimised or not recognising that their failed implantation as a loss.
It makes me wonder how would anyone begin to understand the magnitude of the emotional devastation someone would feel after getting that dreaded call from the doctor? How could we minimise another woman's feelings, especially if they’ve not gone through multiple failed IVF cycles? Or not experienced the difficulty of retrieving the ONE embaby!
Imagine this- you've had an embryo transfer and then for 2 WEEKS you hoped you were pregnant and you behaved as if you were pregnant, You were so careful, you did things perfectly, felt all the pregnancy symptoms, but then finding out after the 2 weeks that you were not pregnant. It may not be an actual baby loss and if you want to be pedantic, you can call it an (em)baby loss, but it sure feels like a pregnancy loss to me.
Yes, it’s not the same as experiencing a medical abortion or a D&C, or a stillbirth or losing a child.
But after having gone through multiple implantation failures and 3 early pregnancy losses (before 12 weeks) - a failed implantation to me is a loss. And I lost the chance to hold my baby in my arms.
The worst part is that I didn’t realised I lost something until after one year after after 5th Transfer.
I didn’t grieve back then. I didn’t know. I didn’t think I was allowed to grieve because no one talked about it. No one told me that I can.
It made realised that by not recognising the loss of my embabies as a “pregnancy loss”, there's no acknowledgment of the grief from losing something that most women have lost, which makes it unworthy of grief if this makes sense? Why should we grieving over “nothing”? It’s not nothing!
So I’m writing this post to honour the embabies who were a product of love, and not being remembered.
I also want acknowledge you - the silent IVF warriors who braved the 2 weeks wait and to tell you that you are allowed to grieve.
You may feel ashamed of your failed IVF cycles or maybe you feel numb or a myriad of confusing feelings. And maybe you may not see it as loss, but you see it more as a failure on your part, and that’s okay. You have suffered and you have suffered a tremendous emotional loss and whatever you are feeling is valid.
I see you!
In light of the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, let’s stand to together to remember our embabies. #EmbabiesLossAwareness
What you can do:
In your own space, in your own way, join the #waveoflight event on 15 Oct 2023, where people around the world will be lighting a candle at 7pm your local time. #waveoflight Say a prayer, or write a letter to your embaby
Create a keepsake for your embabies and/or create a memory corner
Grieve in your own time. Grief can come in waves. So you don’t have to grieve if you don’t feel like grieving.
But when you do and when you start to remember, know that you’re not alone. Allow yourself to cry, to feel sad, and acknowledge your grief. Be with your loved ones and hug them tight!
Sending you lots of love,
Sophie
My Memory Corner
