I don’t think I’m the only 40-something-year-old human whose mum nags.
Sometimes I don't pick up the phone when she rings as I'm afraid she will make me feel guilty about something that I shouldn't be feeling guilty about.
And right now I’m feeling guilty for writing about her here.
The thing is I know she’s coming from a place of love, I don’t deny that. And she’s doing the only thing that she knows all her life - nagging because she doesn’t know any better.
And I’ve been doing what I’ve been doing all my life in my interaction with her - AVOID INTERACTION.
I should know better.
When I was younger, I remember her shouting when I talked back at her - she would say something like “How dare you! I’m your mother! What I say is the law. How dare you talk back at me?” Of course, everything was mostly spoken in Malay!
And my dad has his own spiel like “…as long as you live under the roof of my house....”
There's no opportunity for discussion. They‘re always right and I’m always wrong. Their words are the law. I can never win.
I acknowledge that it’s just one way of parenting; it’s not the right or the wrong way. It’s just their way and it worked for them. (And you know, I used to wish if things were different, I might turn out differently, but then I won’t be me.)
It didn’t work on me, obviously. My coping mechanism was to find every opportunity to be out of the house.
I think that “need to be away” impacted my relationship with my sisters and that was my greatest regret.
I know better now.
I’d like to say it's because I’m older and wiser and that could be case, however truthfully, if not, for Baptiste Yoga, I would not have wanted to change and be a better version of myself. Baptiste Yoga shifted my thinking and totally transformed the way I interact with others especially with mum.
I’m not so angry anymore with her, though the nagging still drives me up the wall, I cannot lie. She did inspire this post, which is giving me access to a new discovery of my self.
Unconditional love between mother and daughter is a myth
In Baptiste Level 3 training in Dec 2018, I discovered I had an unspoken agreement with mum that she is supposed to love me unconditionally.
However there were conditions to her love. She loves me only if I’m a good Muslim girl and if I marry a muslim guy.
Thus the agreement is considered “broken” because I cannot meet her conditions and in turn, my expectation of her is not met.
BROKEN AGREEMENT
Then I had to acknowledge that the agreement for mum to love me unconditionally is void, cancelled, nada!! And to create a new agreement.
There was resistance on my part because deep in my heart, I wish she would love me no matter what. (I still do have that inner wish.) Eventually I came up with a new agreement of “I agree to talk to mum & respond with compassion and kindness."
As you can see, almost a year down the road, the conversation has not happened yet (what with the nagging) but I’m seeing her in a different light.
Conversations with Mum - Not
What I really want to say to her is:
“Mum thank you. I appreciate and acknowledge what you just said.
But your words hurt me. I feel that you don’t respect me at all. You don’t know me at all.
Why can’t you accept the way I am, and let me face my own Maker at the end of my lifetime?
Nagging doesn’t work mum. Why can’t you change?
The irony is we can never expect others to change unless they are willing and ready.
“Your best efforts have gotten you where you are. If you want to grow beyond where you are, if you believe that there are possibilities, then you need to exceed yourself, do new things. Change. ”
The question is:
What do I want to make happen?
I want to have a better relationship with my mum. We don’t have that kind of relationship where we hug and say “I love you” and it’s okay. I feel we are in a much better place than before. It’s not perfect and it’s a constant work in progress but it is what it is.
Deep down, I still want her to accept me the way as I am, with no conditions and no judgement. I’d like to think she loves me despite not meeting her conditions and I know the truth. She can’t change, so I have to change.
I declare my new agreement 2.1 to be - “I agree to love her unconditionally and respond to her with kindness and compassion.”
Ooh … that is really hard to say. I know I do love her, so I’ll start with that and see what comes up.
I’m 42 (and counting) and I don't think my mum will ever stop nagging at me. I have to stop trying to change her. She doesn’t need to be fixed. I agree to love her unconditionally and respond to her with kindness and compassion.
(And maybe I could read her this article on WHY NAGGING IS DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILD. #justsaying
I’m going to stop right here... but they give options, mum... and why not? I wonder if they have a version in Malay. )
Journaling:
Identify a person in your life where things are stuck (or you have the biggest charge or the one you complain about most to others and maybe in your head) .
Write that name down and describe the relationship as it is - the mood, the complaints, conversations, stories
What’s the experience of being stuck? The costs?
What is possible if you forgive him/her?( P.S you don’t have to forgive them and you can.)